Some recent thoughts Pt. 1

How can a person feel so undoubtedly certain about things in their life, while at the same time being so hopelessly lost about others? I find myself shaking and scared about the future; I am restless.  I do not know what I should do.  I cannot decide, and I am inconsolable.  There are too many options, yet none present themselves as the correct option or course of action.  Should I look towards more schooling and education?  Should I look for a career?  Should I continue wasting away making others nights enjoyable while I find no joy and even loathe their company?  Or should I wait another 4 years for my love to complete her education and then see what options arise for the two of us?  I feel I am wasting precious time in my indecision.

Of the careers I have looked in to, they all share one kind of strict authority and conformity.  However, they offer regularity, safety, predictability, and the ability to provide.  I cannot say why I have only looked into these options; however, if I were to take a guess, I believe it is because I have wandered thoughout the world without a clear sense of direction.  In these careers, I can predict what will happen in the future.  And in this predictability there is comfort.  I have an idea of where my family and I would be in the future, and I like this idea much more than blowing throughout the world with nowhere to put down roots.

Even now there is a delicate and fragile compromise which I find myself in.  I want to marry an amazing girl.  Surprisingly, I found her in the least expected place: my hometown, Farmington, NM.  She’s the love of my life and who I have searched the world for.  I cannot say what she means to me, how much comfort she brings, or how much I love her and visa versa, because there are no words.  It is impossible to describe my feelings, but she knows and experiences those feelings as well.  There is great excitement in this.  She sometimes feels that she cannot compete with what I have done in my life, but as you can see, I am still lost and feel like we are more or less equal.  Better yet, we are both halves to a whole.  There are many number of things she excells at much more than I.  I do not want to hinder her in anything but only help in everything.  I want to support and help her grow; she wants to do the same for me.  She is an awe inspiring girl.  There is no one better than her in the world, trust me I’ve looked.

However, how can there be so much comprimise  in a relationship?  How can a marriage come together when both parties do not know what the future holds?  There are so many questions which come with a relationship, especially one which points towards marriage.  Which option is best and what will be the most fruitfull outcome?  I feel it may be best to wait and see what presents itself in a year or so.  Perhaps we will see the future more clearly.  Maybe the looking glass will be less cloudy, the crystal ball a little more clear.  Patience is a virtue.  They saying didn’t come out of nowhere.  It takes awhile to grow anything.  Thank our friend Jesse Lacey for that.  Thank him for this too:  She left the color in my black and white field, I feel condemned for just being here.  Be my breath; there’s nothing I wouldn’t give.  Right now you’re paying for my wanderlust.  I’ll be in your debt forever, I cannot pay back the time I’ve stolen from us, but I will try.